


the (not so) extremely big good omens script bot

by lilibetpride



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: 6000 Years of Pining (Good Omens), Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, taken from good omens script bot twitter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28297677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilibetpride/pseuds/lilibetpride
Summary: a recollection of tweets from @gomenscript twitter, made as if it was a script bot. all lines of dialogue taken from the good omens tv show, all things in brackets ([]) made up from my interpretation of the show
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	1. scene one: the garden. 4004 BC.

**Author's Note:**

> merry christmas! a lot of people asked me on twitter to make the script bot into a fanfic, and as a christmas present i decided to comply! it’s my first time writing as a script, so i hope it’s well done. thank you for following and supporting my little project, enjoy!

**GOD**

It starts, as it will end, with a garden. In this case, the Garden of Eden. And with an apple.

[ _ A Snake slithers over to tempt Eve. _ ]

[ _ Adam and Eve get thrown out of Eden, but at least they have a sword and clothes. And children I guess. _ ]

**GOD**

It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn't been invented yet. But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way. And it was going to be a big one.

[ _ The Snake slithers over the wall and transforms into – holy shit is that the Doctor from Doctor Who? Finally he’s a ginger. _ ]

[ _ Tony Blair is standing on the wall, blond and also checking ginger Alec Hardy out. _ ]

**CRAWLEY**

Well, that went down like a lead balloon.

**AZIRAPHALE**

Sorry, what was that?

**CRAWLEY**

I said, "Well, that went down like a lead balloon."

**AZIRAPHALE**

Yes, yes – it did, rather.

**CRAWLEY**

Bit of an overreaction, if you ask me. First offence and everything. I can't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway.

**AZIRAPHALE**

Well, it must be bad…

**CRAWLEY**

Crawley.

**AZIRAPHALE**

… Crawley. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have tempted them into it. 

**CRAWLEY**

Oh, they just said, "Get up there and make some trouble."

**AZIRAPHALE**

Well, obviously. You're a demon. It's what you do.

**CRAWLEY**

Not very subtle of the Almighty, though. Fruit tree in the middle of a garden with a "Don't Touch" sign. I mean, why not put it on the top of a high mountain? Or on the moon? Makes you wonder what God's really planning.

**AZIRAPHALE**

Best not to speculate. It’s all part of the Great Plan. It’s ineffable. 

**CRAWLEY**

The Great Plan’s ineffable?

**AZIRAPHALE**

Exactly. It is beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words.

[ _ Crawley isn’t paying attention anymore. _ ]

**CRAWLEY**

Didn’t you have a flaming sword?

[ _ Aziraphale.exe stopped working. _ ]

**CRAWLEY**

You did. It was flaming like anything. What happened to it? 

[ _ Aziraphale.exe can’t restart. _ ]

**CRAWLEY**

Lost it already, have you?

**AZIRAPHALE**

Gave it away.

**CRAWLEY**

You wot?

**AZIRAPHALE**

I gave it away! 

[ _ Crawley falls in love. _ ]

**AZIRAPHALE**

There are vicious animals. It's going to be cold out there. And she's expecting already! And I said, "Here you go. Flaming sword. Don't thank me. And don't let the sun go down on you here."

[ _ Crawley is completely and utterly in love. _ ]

**AZIRAPHALE**

I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing.

**CRAWLEY**

Oh, you're an angel. I don't think you can do the wrong thing.

**AZIRAPHALE**

Oh, oh, thank – Oh, thank you.

[ _ Aziraphale failed Principality 101. _ ]

**AZIRAPHALE**

It’s been bothering me.

**CRAWLEY**

I’ve been worrying too. What if I did the right thing with the whole “eat the apple" business? A demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing.

[ _ Adam beheads Mufasa. _ ]

**CRAWLEY**

It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh? If I did the good thing and you did the bad one.

[ _ Crawley smiles. _ ]

[ _ Aziraphale laughs. _ ]

[ _ Aziraphale remembers he’s an angel and Crawley is a demon. _ ]

**AZIRAPHALE**

No! It wouldn't be funny at all.

[ _ It is funny. _ ]

**CRAWLEY**

Well…

[ _ Thunder crashes. Aziraphale looks up. _ ]

[ _ The First Rain begins. Aziraphale shelters Crawley and humanity under his wing. _ ]

**GOD**

Good Omens, being a narrative of certain events occurring in the last 11 years of human history, in strict accordance, as shall be shown, with The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch.


	2. scene two: the bookshop. eleven years until the end of the world

**GOD**

The Antichrist had been on Earth for 24 hours. While in London's Soho, an angel and a demon had been drinking solidly for the last six of them.

[ _ Crowley and Aziraphale are drunk as fuck. _ ]

**AZIRAPHALE**

So, what... what exactly is your point?

**CROWLEY**

My point is – My point is, dolphins. That's my point. Big brains, the size of... damn big brains. Not to mention the whales. Brain city, whales.

**AZIRAPHALE**

Kraken. Ooh, great, big bugger. Supposed to rise up to the surface. Right... right up at the end, when the sea boils. 

[ _ Crowley lights up. He probably doesn’t understand what the fuck Aziraphale is mumbling. _ ]

**CROWLEY**

Well, that's my point! Whole sea bubbling. The dolphins, the whales. Everything turning into bouillab–bouill–bouillab–bouillab–

[ _ Crowley does a kissy face. _ ]

[ _ Aziraphale does a kissy face back. _ ]

**CROWLEY**

Fish stew. Anyway, it's not their fault! And that's the same with gorillas. They say, like, "Whoop". They say a lot of– Sky's gone red. There's... stars crashing down.

[ _ Crowley gestures wildly. Aziraphale doesn’t understand what’s going on. _ ]

**CROWLEY**

And what are they putting in bananas these days?!

**AZIRAPHALE**

They’re All creatures, great and small.

**CROWLEY**

And you know what’s worse? When it’s all over, you’ve got to deal with —  _**ETERNITEEEEEEEEEH!** _

**AZIRAPHALE**

Eternity? 

**CROWLEY**

Yeah, it won't be so bad at first. Although no Stephen Sondheim first nights in eternity, I'm afraid. Although, I have heard rumours that your boss really loves The Sound of Music. 

[ _ Crowley turns an ‘Into the Woods’ playbill into a ‘Sound of Music’ one. Aziraphale looks terrified. I’ll forgive them because they’re drunk, but The Sound of Music is the best musical ever made. _ ]

**CROWLEY**

You fancy spending eternity watching that? You could literally climb every mountain over and over and over and over and over and over and over. 

**AZIRAPHALE**

I don't like it any more than you do, but I told you, I can't diso– not do what I'm told. I’m an angel. I… Oh, God, I – I can't cope with this while I'm drunk. I'm going to sober up.

**CROWLEY**

Yeah. Me too.

[ _ They get undrunk. _ ]

**AZIRAPHALE**

Even if I wanted to help, I couldn't. I can't interfere with the Divine Plan.

**CROWLEY**

Well, what about diabolical plans? You can't be certain that thwarting me isn't part of the Divine Plan, too. I mean, you're supposed to thwart the wiles of the Evil One at every turn, aren't you?

**AZIRAPHALE**

Well —

**CROWLEY**

See a wile, ya' thwart. Am I right?

**AZIRAPHALE**

I... Broadly. Actually, I encourage humans to do the actual–

**CROWLEY**

But the Antichrist has been born. But it's the upbringing that's important, the influences. The evil influences, that's all going to be me. It'd be too bad if someone made sure that I failed.

[ _ Aziraphale has a revelation. _ ]

**AZIRAPHALE**

If you put it that way... Heaven couldn't actually object if I was thwarting you.

**CROWLEY**

No. Be a real feather in your wing.

[ _ Crowley extends his hand. Aziraphale makes a decision. They shake on it. Temptation accomplished. _ ]

**CROWLEY**

We'd be godfathers, sort of, overseeing his upbringing.

**AZIRAPHALE**

It might work.

[ _ Aziraphale clearly doesn’t realise they have no braincells. _ ]

**AZIRAPHALE**

Godfathers.

[ _ Aziraphale chuckles and smiles. Oh boy is he smitten. _ ]

**AZIRAPHALE**

Well, I’ll be damned.

**CROWLEY**

It’s not that bad when you get used to it.

[ _ Crowley winks. _ ]

[ _ Aziraphale tries to look disapproving. He just looks fond. _ ]


End file.
